Vampires: Who's In Who's Out

I’ve recently compiled a list of famous vampires. Randall pleaded with
me not to post this entry, but my moral compass kept leading me back to
this blog. Yes, I covet my job, but in my line of work - if you don’t
have journalistic integrity, you have nothing - and this information
needs to be made public.



In some circles I’m considered North America’s preeminent Vampire
scholar, so let me quickly dispel some common Vampire myths that have
become pervasive and misleading in Hollywood’s portrayal of these sexy
and gregarious creatures. I’ve scoured my research archives to bring
you a quick list of the Underworld’s most common fallacies.

Vampire Myths:

1.They’re scared of the crucifix

“Crosses don’t do squat. Some of the legends are true though. Vampires
are severely allergic to silver. Feed them garlic, and they go into
anaphylactic shock. Then, of course, there's always sunlight,
ultraviolet rays.” – Abraham Whistler, Blade

2. Vampires are susceptible to running water

“OK, Vampire Anatomy 101, crosses and running water don't do dick so
forget what you've seen in the movies. You use a stake, silver or
sunlight.” – Blade, Blade

3. Wesley Snipes is a vampire

I’ve had many casual conversations with civilians who erroneously assume that Wesley Snipes is a Vampire (or Daywalker to be technical). While he’s never flat-out denied being a vampire, there are indisputable facts that make this possibility impossible:

1.Vampires suck at basketball. Wesley beat The King and The Duck with Woody Harrelson as a teammate (and let’s be honest, Hollywood couldn’t even make Billy Ho’s jump shot look serviceable), so there’s exhibit A.
2.Sean Connery is one of the most prolific Vampire Slayers in recent history. Connery grew up hunting vampires in Southern Scotland, and hasn’t looked back since. If Wesley was, in fact, a vampire, he would have lasted about 3 days on the set of Rising Sun before taking a steak to the heart.



Now you have an elementary knowledge of vampire myths that may help you identify and deal with one if you’re fortunate enough to encounter one. So, with out further ado, the list:
Woody Harrelson

Busted Woody, no fangs in public idiot.

One of my favorite vampires, Erika Eleniak.

Former Baywatch and Charles In Charge cast member, she was bitten by Gary Busey (born a vampire) on the set of Under Seige

Here's another angle to better see her obvious vampire traits:


Gary Busey, the one who made Eleniak immortal




Adam Morrison


Like I said, vampires suck at basketball














Last but not least on our introductory list, Clay Aiken.



This one was easy as vampires tend to be devestatingly handsom and have a voice molten gold, not to mention he's frolicking in blood.