That's It: I'm Trying Out For American Gladiators

After six beers before lunch on Saturday I had an epiphany: I will win season two of the new American Gladiators.

Or I will at least try out.

Although I missed the Sunday Season premiere, the commercial hook was all I needed to fuel the Gladiator inside me, “Warriors from a forgotten age, challenges to test the mind and body, and enough spandex to shrink wrap a mobile home.”

If anybody embodies the nostalgic, washed up, high school hero athlete who defines the American Gladiator contestants; it’s me.

Give me two drinks and I’ll start talking about 1998 - when my high school team was down by 10 to Kennett in the fourth quarter and I had three steals and 14 points in the last 10 minutes to seal it.

Give me two more drinks and I’ll tell you the only reason I didn’t start on my Division III college team was because the coach and I didn’t see eye to eye.

Give me two more drinks and I’ll tell you how if I didn’t drink so much I probably would have played middle linebacker at USC.

So now, with the return of American Gladiators, I have a chance to prove to all my co-workers, friends, and every girl I’ve ever met, that Woody Harrelson has nothing on me.

(Watch the move this guy pulls 1:30 into this video...truly amazing)



Only one question remains: Does Randall Believe in me?

Training for this endeavor won’t be cheap, and on my salary it would be like Rocky IV: I’ll be running through the snow with a log while these pretty-boy contestants are hurtling through homemade “Eliminators” and “Assault Courses” with EKG’s strapped to every vein on their bodies.

Here at Randall Scott Laboratories we have the ability to recreate every challenge, can get the finest HGH, and have the best looking trainer west of the Mississippi.

(Our Trainer Mo: told you)


So Randall, the ball’s in your court. All I ask is a few days off here and there, a monthly stipend to cover training and nutrition, a medical staff, and the construction of aforementioned American Gladiators Gym.

In return Randall Scott Company should get more publicity than an inebriated celebrity screaming racial or ethnic slurs, and house the 2009 American Gladiator Champion.

Seems like a fair deal to me? Randall’s response will be published as soon as I get it...until then I'll be bench pressing at the Y across the street

P.S. This isn’t a joke.

P.P.P.S. The disgusting conclusion of the moustache-off will be revealed soon.

P.P.S. I don't know how or where to sign up for American Gladiators try outs, so if you know: email me. If you're wondering: don't ask me.